"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
