My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
