Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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