i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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