I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
