She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
