Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
