dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
