Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
