I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
