I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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