dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
