Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
