That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
