i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize