smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
