1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
