really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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