sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
