That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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