If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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