how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
