I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
