I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Randomize
