I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize