What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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