Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
