A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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