Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
this beer tastes like vomit already
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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