Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
love makes seman taste better
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
