you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
