Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
