Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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