I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
me + whiskey = a bad person
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
