i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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