I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
