Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
