mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Randomize
