Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
