I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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