Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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