Pappa wants mamma naked
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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