i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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