One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
