I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
