I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
