he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize