I just pynch a tree in the face
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize