Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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