i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it's like iHOP with fire
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
