In America we eat man semen.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
