My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
