If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
