Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
