A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
