He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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