My liver just broke up with me...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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