from now on my penis is your penis
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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